


Getting Off (a pair of pants)

by OmoYasha



Series: Omovember 2020 [5]
Category: Epithet Erased (Cartoon)
Genre: Awkwardness, Fandom's first pissfic, Gen, Innuendo, Omorashi, Wetting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27431659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OmoYasha/pseuds/OmoYasha
Summary: Omovember Day Six: "just about made it"--“Kid, you gotta get out of here – that police lady came by. Climb out the window or something!”Giovanni looks at him like he’s grown a second, even more gerbil-faced head.“I can’t climb out the window! Do you have any idea how bad I need to PEE?!”--Alternate title: In which Ramsey tries to get in Giovanni's pants, and knows *exactly* how bad that sounds.
Relationships: Ramsey Murdoch & Giovanni Potage
Series: Omovember 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1998742
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	Getting Off (a pair of pants)

**Author's Note:**

> Note one: THIS FIC IS ABOUT PEE  
> Note two: It is NOT Giovanni/Ramsey, it's gen

“….so I said _Mom, crystals don’t work that way!_ I mean come on, everyone knows crystals are only good for save points when you’re fighting dragons!”

Giovanni sets his backpack down on the table, gesturing dramatically.

Ramsey has absolutely no clue what the story he’s telling is even supposed to be about, but there is a level of amusement in just listening to the shit he’s rambling about get weirder and weirder.

“Have yah ever _gone_ dragon hunting?” he asks, as he moves past his unexpected guest to start putting away the groceries.

Giovanni rolls with the question.

“Pssssh no! Of course not! They’re an endangered species or something, that wouldn’t be cool at _all_.”

More like a _fictional_ species, unless the kid is talking about _komodo_ dragons – in which case he’s _really_ got his genres mixed up. He’s about to point this out when Giovanni says, out of left field,

“ _Anyway_ , can I use your bathroom really quick?” He sounds weirdly nervous, like fake-casual instead of the _real_ casual way he normally talks. What the hell does he think Ramsey’s gonna do, tell him no? Yes you can come over for lunch, no you can’t use the john?

Ramsey shrugs. 

  
“Eh, sure, whatever. Down the hall, it’s on the right.”

“Cool, thanks.” Giovanni disappears down the hallway remarkably fast – maybe he was just acting weird because he had to go. Ramsey snorts, as he finishes sorting the perishable foods between the fridge and freezer.

Giovanni is a good kid.

Ramsey had run into him that morning, loitering around outside the grocery store and looking bored. He’d perked up when he saw Ramsey, and then – because the kid has about as much subtlety as a freight train – walked right up to him and said hi, and started talking a mile a minute about some kind of “crime stuff” that Ramsey was pretty certain didn’t even qualify as illegal. When he asked what Giovanni was even doing there if he wasn’t shopping, and deciphered (between his chatter about minions and secret bases – dang, the brat could make _anything_ sound like an action movie) that _basically,_ the kid was stuck homeless and couch-surfing because he was on the cops’ watch list? Well…

Thing is, Giovanni _is_ a good kid – Ramsey has a sense for that kinda thing, and he doesn’t _need_ to spend long with the guy to realize that he is… really NOT the kind of person who usually runs with the Banzai Blasters. He’s way too nice – someone was gonna screw him over no matter what.

But Ramsey hadn’t intended to do it _himself_. He wasn’t intending to actually help Percy much more than he’d helped Zora, and he had no idea Giovanni had been in the bar when he wandered in for a drink, much less that Percy _knew_ him. But he still remembers the look of betrayal on his face when he turned to Ramsey at the bar and shrieked,

“YOU SOLD ME OUT TO A COP?!”

And… yeah, okay, he feels pretty bad about it, if he’s being honest. Which he isn’t. But he figures the least he can do is invite the kid over for a meal, and let him chill and talk a bit until one of them has something better to do. If Giovanni even understands the _concept_ of “chill” – something which Ramsey is seriously beginning to question.

Actually, speaking of that – the kid’s been in the bathroom an awfully long time. It does _not_ take this long to take a leak. With anyone else, he would just shrug and leave them to it… but based on what he knows of Giovanni’s, uh, unconventional creativity, he second guesses himself. If he _doesn’t_ question it, is this going to end with his toilet getting blown up, or some equally crazy bullshit?

Ramsey really doesn’t want to have to use the lobby bathrooms for a week while he waits for the repair guy to come fix his apartment again, so he decides to err on the side of caution, and starts to head down the hall.

The doorbell rings. He looks out the peephole, and then – because you can’t be too certain that someone _isn’t Zora_ – peaks out the window as well. When he sees blonde hair and blue clothing, he relaxes, and opens the door.

“Good morning-to-early-afternoon, Ramsey. I have come to ask you a few questions about the current investigation.”

It’s just Percy.

“Eyy, long time no see. Come on in, then.” He steps aside to let her in, and his eyes land on the backpack.

 _Giovanni’s_ backpack. Giovanni who is wanted by the police, who _officer_ Percy King _specifically dislikes_.

Suddenly, he hopes that Giovanni takes his sweet time with whatever the hell he’s doing in that bathroom.

“Ah man, I forgot.” He gives her his most charming smile – Percy seems to be about the only person in the world who doesn’t think it makes him look like a sleazy used car salesman, and damn if he’s not going to milk that for all it’s worth.

“Forgot?”

“Yeah, see it’s not reeaally the best time right now, there’s this – “

He is saved from thinking of an excuse when Giovanni shouts – and dang if he doesn’t have _impeccable_ timing – from the bathroom.

“Hey! Ramsey! I uhhhh… I need some help!”

He barely refrains from slapping his forehead.

“You need help in the _crapper_?”

“IT’S STUCK!”

“WHADDYA MEAN, “it’s stuck”?!”

What was he even _talking_ about?

Percy was glancing down the hallway curiously, so Ramsey quickly cleared his throat.

“I, uh, I got a guest right now. Lemme just go see what he wants, make yourself at home, alright?”

He dashed down the hallway before Giovanni could bust out of the bathroom and straight into the _police officer_ waiting in his living room.

“I’m coming in!” he says, and slides into the bathroom. The kid had better not be breaking stuff in there.

…Giovanni isn’t breaking stuff though. He’s not doing much of anything, really, except standing there fully dressed, hopping from foot to foot in a truly ridiculous looking potty dance.

“Kid, you gotta get out of here – that police lady came by. Climb out the window or something!”

Giovanni looks at him like he’s grown a second, even more gerbil-faced head.

“I can’t climb out the window! Do you have any idea _how bad_ I need to _PEE?!”_

Giovanni’s tone makes it sound like he’s trying to whisper, despite the fact that he is not in any way quiet.

“Then why haven’t you?” Ramsey hisses.

Giovanni whines.

“Uggh! It’s my _stupid zipper!_ I can’t get it _open_!”

Okay, so this was just going to be that kind of awkward then.

“Fine, fine, I’ll help. Move your hands, will ya?”

The kid complies, awkwardly holding his hands in the air as if a cop had just pointed a gun at him.

Ramsey crouches, and tugs on the offending zipper.

The zipper does not budge. He tries again.

“Huh. I think I need to get some pliers.” He says quietly, mindful that there is a third person somewhere in the apartment.

“ _I_ need you to get _my pants off!”_

Giovanni says, loud enough that Ramsey would not be shocked if he gets weird looks from his neighbors tomorrow.

“Shh! Pipe down, wouldja?” He digs around under his sink, relieved to see that he put his tool kit where it belongs.

By the time he manages to dig out the pliers, Giovanni’s hands are jammed in his crotch again, although they go back in the air at an eyebrow raise from Ramsey.

He examines the zipper. Tries straightening it out, pulling it.

That thing is stuck _good_.

“Ah! Could you hurry up and take my clothes off?!”

“Could you maybe phrase that a little differently?”

He tries again, although the boy’s fidgeting _really_ isn’t making it any easier.

“I’m working on it, take it easy. It’s stuck reeeal bad.”

Giovanni moans.

“JERK IT HARDER!”

“Jeesh, take a guy to dinner first, willya?”

“What?”

“What?”

They look at each other. Giovanni’s face is twisted in a slightly confused frown.

He… doesn’t get the joke. How can you be nineteen years old – a nineteen year old who’s worked for the _Banzai Blasters_ – and _not get_ a blatant dirty joke? _How?_

Ramsey clears his throat.

“Jeesh, what the heck did ya _do_ to it?”

“I didn’t do anything, it was just like that!”

There was _no way_ that was true – they didn’t just _make_ pairs of jeans with zippers that screwed up, he definitely did _something_ – but he probably didn’t want to know how the guy had managed to mangle it.

Giovanni bounces on his heels.

“Go faster, I’m really close!”

“I can’t go any faster, this is as fast as I can go – unless you’ve got any brilliant suggestions?”

That gets a second of silence as Giovanni considers this, and then he perks up.

“Lube me up! It’s too tight down there!” He yells, at full volume. Ramsey cringes.

“Kid, you’re making this _REAL AWKWARD,_ here.”

He rummages around for the WD-40. Apparently, Giovanni does not know what “hold still” means any more than “chill”, because Ramsey has to literally grab his belt loop with one hand to keep him from scooting away with his squirming while he tries to apply it. The kid moans, in a way which really did not help the inappropriate comments sound any better.

They struggle with the zipper for another minute,

There is a rap on the door.

“Ramsey? Is everything alright in there, with your… visitor?”

Ramsey curses under his breath. Unfortunately, this means _Giovanni_ has an opening to respond – something he apparently has no problem with, despite the fact that the question is coming from a police officer, and he _shouldn’t even be here_!

“YEAH, EVERYTHING IS FINE! HE’S JUST BUSY TRYING TO GET IN MY PANTS!”

“Oh my _God_ do you have to say it like _that?”_ Ramsey hisses.

He points at the toilet.

“Sit down. Maybe a different position’d work better.”

“I can’t! I’m not going to last if I do that!”

Percy’s voice filters through the door.

“….very well. I will be in the living room, if you find yourselves in need of emergency assistance.”

Ramsey sees the look that flashes across the kid’s face, and quickly claps a hand over his mouth.

“This does not count as that kind of emergency, and we are _not_ asking the _cop_ to fix your zipper!” He whispers fiercely. Giovanni makes a face, and squirms.

“But…” he stops mid thought, eyes wide, and gives a high pitched, needy whine, grabbing himself even though it nearly knocks the pliers out of Ramsey’s hands.

“Nggn! IT’S COMING!”

He looks horrified. …and there is no way that Ramsey can undo the freaking zipper when he can’t even _reach_ it. He can’t tell if there is a wet spot behind his hands, but the way Giovanni is panicking gives him a bad feeling about that, too. He thinks quick.

“Get on the toilet.”

“But-!” Giovanni seems about to argue – clearly not wanting to wet himself, and not yet caught up to the fact that he was _definitely going to_ – but then he whimpers, and practically throws himself onto the seat, jeans and all.

He moans loudly and – okay, now that his hands are out of the way, Ramsey can see that there’s a dark stain spreading rapidly across his lap.

He clears his throat and turns around, trying to pretend he doesn’t hear the sound liquid hitting water, loud as it is in the small bathroom. The situation is awkward enough without him contributing to it.

When it’s been quiet for what feels like an appropriately long amount of time, he sneaks a peek back at Giovanni, and says, a little bit too cheerful to make up for the intense weirdness of the situation,

“Oookay! I’m gonna try that zipper one more time.”

Apparently, Giovanni’s sense of shame and or dignity _does exist_ , even if it’s a little bit stunted in Ramsey’s opinion (which is really saying something, since people already tend to call _him_ shameless), because his cheeks are flushed pinker than his hair, and he is abnormally quiet as Ramsey works on the zipper, looking anywhere but Ramsey’s eyes.

Now that the kid is sitting down and not _wiggling_ , it only takes a minute or two to get the zipper unstuck.

Giovanni glares at it.

“Really? _Now_ you decide to work?”

Ramsey refrains from commenting about how good he is with his hands. He is enjoying the lack of disturbing innuendos too much, and he just _knows_ it would be asking for it.

…there’s still the issue of Percy. Giovanni looks miserable – he’s hunched over, arms crossed and… pouting, kind of? It should look stupid – which it does – but it’s also a bit endearing. In a “sad but annoying puppy” kind of way.

He’s not making the kid climb out the window like that. 

He sighs.

“Ya got some clothes in that backpack?”

“Uh…..yeah…?”

“Look, I’ll deal with Percy – that’s ‘Police Lady’ to you. Take a shower – you can come get your clothes after, I’ll make sure she’s outta the house. Got it?”

The variety of expressions that flit across Giovanni’s face are amusingly easy to interpret – he doesn’t like being told what to do, but Ramsey can _see_ him weigh the options and realize he can’t think of anything better. He settles on a suspicious frown, though.

"How do I know you're not going to _sell me out to the cops_ again?"

"Kid, I didn't even sell you out the _first_ time, you did that yourself!" Despite feeling guilty about how it went down, he knows he's in the right here - he told the kid to get out of that bar _how_ many times before Percy got his information? From the face he makes, Giovanni knows it too.

“Okay, yeah. I’ll just, um. I’ll just do that, then?”

Ramsey nods.

“Stick around till I get back, alright?”

He heads to the door, and then pauses.

“Just. Stay here and _don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone, okay?_ ”

He is not reassured by Giovanni’s shout from the shower of,

“Of course not! I never do _anything_ stupid!”

…screw it. He’s barely bothered personalized the apartment; it’s not like there’s that much _there_ to be destroyed. How much trouble could the kid possibly make in the next hour?

He convinces Percy that they should take their case questions to a local café, because even though it’s almost noon, he has not had enough coffee yet to deal with this day. Fortunately, aside from a remark about caffeine addictions, Percy stays quiet on the walk to the coffee shop, not commenting in any way on the weird things she must have overheard Ramsey’s “cousin” shouting from the bathroom, nor on the fact that he had a cousin at all.

By the time they were picking up their drinks – his coffee, her tea – he felt compelled to clear the air.

“Listen, uh… whatever you heard. We weren’t doing anything, uh, _weird_ in there. Just so ya know.”

Percy doesn’t even turn to face him. She picks up her cup, takes a sip, and without missing a beat, responds in her usual bored monotone.

“…I believe any situation involving two adults simultaneously occupying a single person restroom would, by the colloquial definition, qualify as ‘weird’, Ramsey.”

“It’s not like that! He just wanted me to fix his zipper, I swear.”

“I have no interest in the details of what you do inside your personal bathroom, Ramsey. As long as it is in accordance with the local law.”

Ramsey tries not to die of embarrassment. Somehow, the fact that Percy genuinely doesn’t care just makes it _worse_.

“Uh… right. Cool.”

They take a seat.

“Your cousin from out of town, you said?”

“Yeah, nice guy, dropped by cuz he was in the area, you know how it is.” He takes a big swig of his drink.

“Your cousin wouldn’t happen to be affiliated with any of those Banzai Blasters, would he? He sounded an awful lot like that Giovanni Potage.”

Ramsey tries not to choke on his coffee.

…at least the sudden fit of coughing gives him time to think of a better excuse.

**Author's Note:**

> I am extremely proud of the amount of awkward innuendo in this fic. XD  
> I love comments, reviews, constructive criticism... let me know what you think!  
> Find me on tumblr at omoyasha.tumblr.com


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